I have never shared this before. This is a part of my story whom I am and have become. With my background, Eating Disorder, loss of faith and becoming a believer.
Background for this specfic story; I come from a smaller county, smaller class and a teacher that didn’t aloud bollying. A small school and everyone knew about each other. My mother was a teacher in 5th grade when I started 1st grade in the same school. I lived in this county for 6 years, went in 1st and 2nd year in this smaller school.
When I was 9 y.o. my family moved. My journey of being bullied started and at 11 y.o. my eating disorder started. My family had just moved from one county to whole new one approxy 350 km north from where I felt at home, still in the middle of Sweden. I had no friends, I was the new girl, I was different, I was taller than everyone else in the class of 20 students. I came from a Christian family, I was thin, I think everything about me was wrong according to my new classmates. At least that’s how it felt there and than. I literally don’t know what I did or why they choosed to pick on me. I just know the facts that came with it. ED. Eating disorder, physical, mental and psycologic bulling, that no one knew about more than me.
It started for real 1988 when I was 11 y.o. the same year I got my period. The bullying & ED started. Hormons started to change me. If anyone saw something no one said a thing. I hide it well. I was “a bit lucky” because of the time fashion was big cloths – the start of the 1990’s. I could hide well. I ate one big meal once a day, more than most. For years I didn’t eat breakfast becauce I got nausea from eating.
I think I maybe surpriced some people of how much I ate. I ate like growing boy becauce I grew quite much those years. Until I was 16, I ate less at home and more at school (Sweden has free warm meal for lunch in all schools). Therefor I could hide it at home. I had my scouts once a week, I did sports twice a week and two friends was what I had to hang with. Yet no one said a thing. So I guess they didn’t see it.
At age 16, I had been bullied for seven years. Seven terrible years of many bad momories. Memories I carry with me to this day. But today I processed these painful wounds.
At 16 y.o. August 1993 I moved away from home mainly cause I didn’t want to see all my classmates. I hated them and I hated myself. I didn’t wanted to live. And between september and december 1993 I tried several times to not live. I made a decition to not be a Christian and interrupt with Christians the day I moved. I had suicidal thoughts almost every day that fall. I choose to take a big distance from all kind of Christian people that August. I didn’t want to have anything to do with them. Because I was so disapointed. I started to hate all those Christians who said one thing and did the oppostie – like my own father – and from that time he wasn’t my dad anymore he was just the man my mom was married with. Biologically my dad but so much more a hypocrite. He preached out about how life should be but did the oppusite at home.
My first turn-around-point was a cold december night 1993, I had gotten hold of some very strong painkillers and some beer. Took it, fell a sleep. Woke up sitting in the bed with closed eyes yet seeing a strong light and me standing on the tip of a cliff and a hand reaching out to me. I am sure it was Jesus. I knew enough from my childhood about that Jesus could come as a strong light it’s has been describe. (I were not a believe in at that time, but that was the closest my brain could think of. )And when I actually open up my eyes, I saw puke on the other side of my room. Which didn’t make any sence it could got there. If you puke, it would be on the floor on the side of the bed! I can’t explain how it got there. But for sure it got to me. I understood that I should live.
The day after my wierd night in December 1993 I started to live, my life the way I wanted it without christian people and not letting anyone be able to say anything about me or how I look like. Yet still with ED as a part of my life…
Between 1994 and 1999 , I lived my life my way. Still hiding my ED. I was never so sick that I needed to visit a hospital, but I got to a point where I weighed just the minimum towards my lenght and BMI. This weight is 68kg (149 pound). A number that is still in the back of my head as a warning. To never get there again.
In 1999 I had a period in my life, when the ED was more and stronger than anything else in my life. A school nurse asked me “why do you have a need to get weight every week?” I knew she knew. I understood she could send me to the hospital for more surveys..nothing I wanted. So I told her. The first time ever I told an aduldt about my ED, age 22. Twelve years later from when it all started.
August 2000, I lived in the same county and municipality as my parents. One weekend I went away with some friends – Christian friends – still not interested in what they had inside. Still cold on the inside. Still a lot of hate and dissaponitments towards parts of my family. Still living with ED.
(Summerbreak August 2000) I recieved a bible verse that weekend, had to borrow a bible. Read it. Didn’t understand a thing. It came back three times! I talked to one of the pastors asked him what I should do and (this was during a service) and he said, “I think the Lord have giving you this verse to share” and gave me the microphone. I said “I am not a believer but I got a bible verse”.
I read it loud and went back to my seat. “A while after came a guy – who was a part of my friends but yet he was from the States, the lord had lead him to Sweden(!) – to me and said Thank you for sharing! Those verses was to me. “I had asked the Lord to use someone, not a believer to show me why I am in Sweden and what the next is for me.” And I know I have had friends praying for my life since August 2000, most of them haven’t had a clue what I’ve been through yet they wanted to pray for my life.
He was right, the Lord used me non believer! That Sunday, was my second turn-around-point in my life from Jesus (August 2000). I said “Okay Jesus, you are real when you can use me non believer to someone who are a believing Christian.” “I am willing to start to get to know you, but don’t force me and let me be able to be in “my environment” with non believers.” My journey with the Lord started there with ups and downs!!
And in september 2002 I made one of my biggest decisions, to start eat normal. To get in to routines of eating. 8 times during the hours I was awake. Every 2nd hour. To beat the ED. To gain weight. I used a lot of protein powder for extra good energy. (As a baby I had inherited high metabolism) and after 15 years of ED my metabolism got even higher… 🤪 therefor protein power. I alaso started to talk to two pastorol carer for a year. Can’t see that this would have been possible without the Lord and my journey with him! To not let my ED don’t rule my life anymore.
My third turn-around-point in life. And every day is still a reminder of what, when and why I need to eat on regular times and two warm meals. I still struggle some day’s with the mental part to actually eat when I need, especially through work. But I can say, I am today free the ED in the way it was.
I have as an aduldt realized some deformed body parts like uneven breasts, one bigger fot, one longer arm as a consequence of the ED while I were growing. The fact that my ED maybe is a reason that I can’t have kids (which never been a longing), or maybe is the reason I got into perimenopause age 43… I have now accepted it all, but for years I was embarrassed about my body.
You can’t see I have had ED because I never went to far as for many others. But yet I went to far in the first place cause I started with the shit. This shit disease have open up my eyes in the last years. And I want to study and learn more about it to be able to help other young girls and boys. I have come to the point where I can live with the side effects it has given me. And I think this is an other reason to why I like to work in the school, to be able to observe the students (kids). I can say as I am an aduldt now, that it is a heavy disease!! It’s mental and psychological damage is clear in so many levels!! 😒
To be free from ED for me means I am not thinking of when I should eat during the hours I am awake to gain the most of energy throughtout the day, which was my goal for those 15 years in life.
But this year – 2022 – I celebrate 20 years of beeing free from ED. But I also think of it every year that past.
Still one day at the time to conquer the disease.
How other bloggers have helped me to put words on my experience of my ED since I started to blog. And this post, have taking me almost all this month to put words on how I have experience, live with ED, get out of it, start to enjoy life again, the backsides of it and how I want to live my life.
With the Lord on this Journey it will be possible to climb one level higher each Day.
mia-simone. svenberg 